Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
