So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
