I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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