dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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