Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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