New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
