After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
