next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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