he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
