And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
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