he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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