There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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