I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Every concussion has its silver lining
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
