we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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