gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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