I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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