Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
