I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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