i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
