I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
