My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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