Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
