don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
