I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
