I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
