I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
