You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
