Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
whose parrot is this?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
