I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
