On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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