does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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