Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
