i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
