God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize