I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
