I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
