oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
