Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
