she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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