WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
