I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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