I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
