your parents love me but you hate me
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
