I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
