the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
