the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
