Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
