well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
