I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
