I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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