meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
