remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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