my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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